The DTR Talk- and What Men Think.
Have you been in that position where you have no idea what to classify that relationship? or you feel like you want something more and you don’t seem so sure your romantic partner wants the same? Well, that is very natural and understandable. A Lot of times we tend to overthink things and play them out over and over again in our heads. If you’re in that position, then it is best to have the DTR talk or the "what are we" talk with your partner. This will make sure you are not falling in love with an 'idea' or building castles in the sky. So, what is the DTR talk? and why are we having that conversation with our partner? I will answer these questions in this article and bring in what the men think about it.
As a lady, I think it's safe to say that most of the time we, women, want security or some form of assurance or reassurance from our partners in our relationships. According to research, on average, women are proven to express more emotions than men; which means we are more emotional...
...hence we tend to want to feel a sense of safety especially in relationships. This is where the DTR talk comes in.
DTR is an acronym for, Defining The Relationship and it has to do with making your needs, wants and expectations known to your partner. Basically it's a convo you have with your partner that explains what you want the relationship you are both in, to look like or feel like. The DTR talk helps you avoid mixed signals. So you don't have to assume 'this' is what he or she wants or to avoid or get rid of questions like "Does she feel the same way?" or "Does he feel the way I do?" The thing is, there's a flip side; the DTR talk means you put yourself in a place of vulnerability. That means you have to be completely open with your partner, knowing that your feelings may not be reciprocated. It's a strong thing to do and a necessity in any relationship. So you know what she or he, in this case, wants or what they see the relationship as; a friend with benefits, situationship, a date or a life partner.
It is always a good idea to not assume what the other person wants and just lay it out. Talk about it and get a good understanding of where the other person stands.
Why You Should Have the DTR Convo.
Like we’ve established, Defining The Relationship is very important because you want to be sure your partner or date is on the same page with you. You wouldn’t want to go far into the relationship and find out you have been dating yourself or in conclusion, wasting your time.
Defining your relationship can feel super weird and uncomfortable. Trust me, I know. But when you get the question out there you feel relieved and glad you did even if it ends up negative. Yes, feelings or thoughts like, "I have a good thing going, why should I ruin it by asking where we stand?" will pop up but know that you defining the relationship is good and puts that uncertainty of your feelings not being reciprocated at ease especially if you want something more long term. And if it ends up going south, you know you have saved yourself the hurt and have a peace of mind knowing you have your clarity.
What Men Think!
Okaayyy now for our second course! What do men think about the DTR convo? Now, when I picked up my pen and thinking cap, I thought long and hard about the topic...
...who i’m addressing it to, what should be in it and so on but then i thought, this conversation is popular and ladies, most times, have a problem with raising it up with their partners especially in cases where two people want different things which brings fear of ending a 'good thing’. Therefore, we could ease the tension by knowing what the guys think about all this. I have had this discussion a number of times with my female friends and I felt it was a time to shift focus and know how men feel about the DTR conversation and what it means to them. So, I hosted a survey and got a few feedback.
Fortune Maine:
" DTR is needed to know where you’re headed or stand in that person’s life. 'Are we going to cruise, or I’m catching feelings for you, are you catching feelings too?' or 'Are you looking the way I’m looking?' Yes, DTR is needed when there was no foundation from the onset. I have a friend that just started calling me baby, honey and all the sweet names and it’s clear she’s flirting but things like this can be confusing because you don’t know if she wants to be a friend, or to be just friends with benefits."
Godstime:
" It’s not wrong to have a DTR talk with your partner because everybody has his/her reasons why they embark in a relationship. They have what they want to see in their partner besides 'love’. It shouldn’t be weird. You can tell your partner, 'this is how my past relationship was and i was unable to go through with it because the quality and what i wanted was not there.' That’s how the convo should start and not like you are demanding.
JJ:
" Strongly disagree, it’s not weird to have a DTR with your partner, from my point of view the DTR talk serves as a checkmate to tarnish unserious relationship, biblical speaking there is no such thing as dating for fun, when you intend to go into a relationship, you should do that with the motive of studying such person so as to know if you are compatible with such person for marriage, the DTR talk only seems weird when you dating for the sake of having pleasure, we all know the saying that time is money, money on the other hand is value, clearly we value time, and i won’t advise anybody to waste your precious time on people who don’t have futuristic plans for you 'cause the bitter truth is, such people don’t really value you. This is why the DTR talk is necessary. In fact it is advisable to do this periodically to see if the previous result being acquired from the DTR talk you’ve had adds up to the way things are going for you guys, my reason for saying this is because in the society we find ourselves men could tell a good lie just for the sake of keeping a girl they have no intentions of being with for life and for women i would laugh about this cause if I should say a word about them is just that they are so f**ing confused, so you really need to know what you are dealing with before you find out your so-called serious girlfriend is having another serious boyfriend."
So, from my survey, all the guys I interacted with see nothing wrong with the DTR Convo and in fact, give their full support on it. Most of them admit, yes, that it can be a little weird but that’s alright so long as you get it straight with your partner.
A dating coach for men, Connell Barrett says ' Be vulnerable, share, and see if they feel the same.' The best way to have a good DTR convo is to be vulnerable; which means sharing exactly how you feel and expressing what you want if not, the relationship stays the way it was - uncertain.
